- Ron Burgundy: Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast.
- Champ Kind: It jumped up a notch.
- Ron Burgundy: It did, didn't it?
- Brick Tamland: Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart.
- Ron Burgundy: I saw that. Brick killed a guy. Did you throw a trident?
- Brick Tamland: Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident.
- Ron Burgundy: Brick, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safehouse or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.
“People call me the Bry man; I’m the stylish one of the group. I know what you’re asking yourself and the answer is yes. I have a nick name for my penis. Its called the Octagon, but I also nick named my testes - my left one is James Westfall and my right one is Doctor Kenneth Noisewater. You ladies play your cards right you just might get to meet the whole gang.” — Brian Fantata
- Marshall: I miss my Dad, Ted. I miss him so much. When I was a kid, we would spend the summers in the upper peninsula and every year we would only get to the cabin until the middle of the night. So, it'd be pitch black, in the middle of the woods and I could never see anything in front of the headlights. But I always felt so safe, because my Dad was driving. He was like some sort of superhero, he could just see way out into the darkness... And now he's just gone, and it's pitch black, and I can't see where I'm going. I can't see anything.
- Marshall's Dad: Here's a secret: I couldn't see worth a damn either buddy. I just kept driving forward, hoping for the best.
“Oh my God we’re being mugged by Sarah Palin” — Weeds